Answers to the Awkward Questions

Lately I've become keenly aware of the awkwardness which ensues when I run into old friends and acquaintances. There is the moment after we've done our polite "catching up" where they want to ask questions that could be considered socially awkward. I have decided to simply answer the Unasked Awkward Questions so that A) no one will feel awkward, and B) the answers will just be out there.

1. Are you seeing anyone?
No. Nor have I EVER. Get over it. Hey, old friend, don't judge! Did you ever ask me out? Then NO.

2. Why not?
Um, as mentioned above, if all those good old friends with whom I spent all my younger days weren't interested, why would anyone who I didn't hang out with fill that void? Also, because you're gay. If you've ever been one of my hang-out friends YOU'RE GAY. If not now, then soon.

3. Have you tried online dating?
Yes. Half-heartedly. Failed as much as with offline dating. It's just one more rejection modality.

4. Do you even want to get married?
Let's start with "do you even want to hang out with a member of the opposite sex at a place such as a movie theater or dining establishment"-- come on, Mormons-- don't immediately skip to "married." I want to not feel awkward in the presence of a straight man first. Then we can get married.

5. Is it because you're gay?
Over 35 + not attractive + once drove a jeep + capable of wielding a Leatherman and fixing minor plumbing issues + enjoys comfortable footwear DOES NOT EQUAL attracted to women. To be honest, the only times I've ever been hit on were by women, and perhaps I could have found true happiness with one of them, but it just doesn't work for me. And yes, I was aware of the friends who may have been playing for my same team. I'm not that naive. But it just doesn't matter- any more than it does hanging out with my gay male friends. I've thought this one through. I'm just not.

6. Why don't you just "put yourself out there" and see what happens.
Yes, I've seen it in your face- you wanted to ask this one. I've "been out there" for roughly 20 years... and the thing is that to a certain extent I still feel like I'm 16- thinking that the one certain boy would actually ask me to the prom since we're best friends and hang out ALL THE TIME.... of course he would ask me and not the girl he's usually to afraid to talk to. But that's not how men operate. And I haven't been on that awkward "first date" or held hands in a dark movie theater or been kissed goodnight on the front steps, and I'm scared to death of that--- let's go back to Question 4. I'm supposed to be ready to quickly speed through 20 years worth of relationship experience so that I can quickly arrive at ETERNITY before I'm dead (or according to some, "dead" would actually work in my favor because really "special spirits" get married in the next life). I don't wanna. I want to be 16 for just a little bit. I want to be giddy and blush a lot and call someone to say "he talked to me in the hall by my locker!"

7. Don't you think there's someone out there for you?
Maybe. Based on past experience, he's dating one of my gay friends. My dear grandma had a theory for awhile: "what you need to find, Heather," she said to me, "is a nice, heavier, returned missionary cowboy." She then lost hope and altered that to be, "I think about all those brave young men who died during World War II without having a chance to be married. I bet there's one waiting for you." That was so sweet. And so discouraging. Not that I don't find the idea truly romantic. But how am I going to watch A Room with a View with him? That's a critical step in any relationship, and one that I'm not really ready to forego.

8. Why don't you just lose some weight?
Then more people would be interested, right? The real reason is: what if they weren't? What if my physical appearance which has always been my excuse, my hiding place, my safety, my whatever you want to call it... what if I was suddenly thin? Would I WANT those who could only look at me "in that way" when I fit into a pigeon-hole of attractiveness? No. I am the daughter of a truly emotionally damaged woman. I talked to my mother at length about her weight- both when she was anorexic and "beautiful" and when she was fat and "happy." She was so damaged as a child by family members who never let her just "be" who she was. Then in college she took it upon herself to become thin and beautiful- and she was so popular and dated EVERYONE and found someone who wanted to marry her. Then life happened. And kids happened. And she hated herself for DECADES- only because of her weight. Any success and friendship and positive influence she had on others were overshadowed by the self-loathing she felt because of how others saw her. Not because of how she saw herself. But because she was never "as beautiful as when he married me." I will not be that woman. I will not use a physical "lure" to snare some unsuspecting man who doesn't know that he really married a fat person. Because I don't want him to hate me if I ever stopped being the skinny girl he married. There is so much more to life than appearances. Truly spoken as a fat person, but I honestly believe it. There are a whole lot of miserable skinny people. I'm fine with me.


I am sure there are many more Unasked Awkward Questions, but those are the ones I recently saw flit across the faces of friends- as I met their beautiful children, attended their weddings, checked in on their lives. I'm not afraid to answer. There shouldn't be awkwardness between friends. So just ask!