Wanted: Gay Boyfriend

I am currently accepting applications for a new gay boyfriend. I need a date to my sister’s wedding in February, so I figure we should start dating now so we will have plenty of amusing stories to share with the others at our table, so that we can be the center of attention, and make people say thing like “aren’t those two funny?”, “what a great rapport!”, and “do you think she knows??” Well, yes, I ALWAYS know. I have had plenty of practice, thank you very much. I have had a best gay boyfriend at my side since high school at least. Even if they weren’t out yet. But I knew. You see, it is a very safe thing for a girl like me, and comes with many benefits: always someone to go to the movies with, a no-pressure date for important family functions, someone who actually wants to go to the opera and cultural events, and at the end of the night, I don’t feel like the second-rate being that I am because you’re “just not into me.” I don’t have to take it personally—you’re gay, for crying out loud. Of course you don’t find me attractive! Of course you don’t want to be with me forever! There’s always (and I do mean ALWAYS) the chance that those sentiments would be the outcome of a straight date. That’s why I stick to the gay boys—then I can blame you instead of myself. It works out great for everyone. There are also the added benefits of guilt-free gay-boy relationships: you can help me choose the right outfit, you understand my uncontrollable love for shoes, we can sleep together in the same bed (under my parents’ roof, even), and you don’t mind holding my hand in public. It’s a beautiful thing. So, I am looking. All my best standby gay boyfriends have moved on at the moment. I have been going to movies all alone for weeks on end. And I am simply tired of being the prettiest one in the room!!

Here's a musical number for you. Applications accepted daily. It is the holidays, you know!